It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside

It is back, that feeling.

That feeling, that fear.

That fear that has been with me since secondary school.

That fear which struck me when I was in Form One, where I freaked out because I had to take Chinese, knowing fully well that if I flunked it, I’d drop to the second class, away from my new friends.

That fear, which came back in Form Five in the shape of Add Maths, which I knew I would be barely able to pass in SPM.

That fear, which followed me into Foundation, because I still had to take Maths. It turned me into a sniffling mess after the first test, with the knowledge that if I failed it in the finals, there would be no degree for me until I passed.

That fear, which continued into Degree, in the form of Research Methodology. The horrid calculations and numbers and figures and formulas of that subject were of no help to my mental health and CGPA at all.

And now that fear is back.

That fear, which sent me a waterfall of tears doing one of the assignments.

That fear, that grips me every time I think about the finals.

That fear, reminds me that no matter how far I run, I can’t escape it.

That fear, is now no longer Chinese, Add Maths, Maths or Research Methodology.

That fear has a new name.

Syntax.